17 Ways to Stay Romantic while Raising Kids
Parents often think fondly back to the days when they had time for each other, or any time at all in fact. Time to talk about each other, time to show affection whether snuggled on the sofa, spontaneous date nights or little surprise gifts.
Parenting changes everything, your relationship changes drastically and many new parents have given little thought to how it will affect their own bond. Suddenly all your time is spent comforting the baby, or feeling too sleep deprived to even hold a proper conversation.
The communication changes from affection to necessity. Rather than asking about each other’s day, the immediate focus is on the baby or child, ensuring you are doing everything required for their care. There is a lot of venting about the difficulties and small talk can easily become less positive.
With little time to do things as a couple, you may find yourselves spending whatever down time you have feeling exhausted and wanting rest and sleep. Even as a baby becomes a toddler, some parents can feel ‘touched-out’ by the child’s affections and have no desire for the embrace of their partner.
The good news is that just small changes can help keep the romance alive and help you feel more connected. The knock-on effect of this is to feel stronger as parents, facing challenges together rather than feeling alone or even resentful towards a partner. Here is our top 17 list of ways to stay romantic as parents.
1. Random acts of affection
Small, unexpected acts can really make people feel loved and cared for. Some suggestions for this are:
- An small unexpected gift like flowers or a bar of chocolate
- Making a snack or drink when your partner is worn out
- A shoulder rub while they watch TV
- Doing a task for them that they keep meaning to do
Small gestures take little time or effort but go a long way to showing romantic interest.
2. Acknowledge each other when arriving or leaving
It is amazingly normal for parents that are rushed off their feet to barely say hello and goodbye to each other. These tiny actions have a significant impact on the bond between partners. A hug and a kiss on these occasions is incredibly powerful at signalling the desire to be a couple. This change is incredibly easy to implement, takes little time and has a surprisingly big impact.
3. Regular contact helps you stay connected
Now your days are structured differently, the times you may have together, like a quiet evening, no longer exist. Your lives may take very different paths, especially if one parent gives up work.
A lunch time call or chat can keep the connection. Showing you are thinking about your partner during the day creates a stronger focus on each other. It is a good opportunity to show affection and the middle of the day is often a time when parents feel the least exhausted. If you are someone who gets so bogged down by work you barely take a break, try setting an alarm on your phone to remind you to send a message.
4. Give each other a break from the children
Make sure one partner isn’t with the children constantly. Everyone needs time on their own, time to see friends for lunch or to get a haircut. It is down to you both to proactively offer this time to each other and not wait for your partner to request it, as they may feel like they are placing a burden on you which will reduce their ability to focus on themselves in their time off.
Taking a little time for yourselves helps you relax and feel better about yourself. If you don’t relax or take care of yourself, it is unlikely you’ll be feeling romantic at any point.
5. Let each other have a lie-in
A lie-in once a week for each parent can work wonders if you can achieve it! It is amazing how it recharges the batteries and stops you both being grumpy at weekends.
This little trick makes you enjoy your time off together, giving you both energy and making you happier. If you work weekdays you can arrange it so one parent has a lie-in on Saturday and the other on Sunday. It doesn’t even have to be a long one, even 45 minutes can really make a world of difference.
6. Walk and talk
Going for a nice walk with your phones away gives you time for exercise and to be away from distractions so you can really talk and listen. You can do it pushing a pram or if you have children with you, give them things to go off and find along the way. Another great idea with children is to take a friend’s child along for the walk. This way you are giving another couple a break and keeping your child distracted so they are constantly interrupting your conversation. It is very likely that other couple will offer to return the favour at some point, giving you free time too.
Talking about friends, planning holidays, great memories or shared hobbies are all great topics to help you connect.
7. Resolve disputes
When you are tired and stressed and adjusting to a new way of living, it is very easy to get frustrated with your partner. When approaching an issue, firstly understand that your partner has their own frustrations and if you both air them all at once, it can escalate to arguments.
A good trick is to resolve one frustration each at a time. Both partners agree to do something about how the other partner feels. Focus on how your partner feels, even if it feels like they are blaming you for something unfairly. Recognise they feel that way, and promise an action you think might help them feel better about it. Try to avoid any blame in the conversation and each focus on what you can do for the other rather than the frustration you have.
8. Enjoy “Screen-Free” Time Together
While snuggling on the sofa and watching TV together is nice, make sure you also have regular screen free time together. You could craft something together, plan dream holidays, discuss ideas for your home or even do some stretching together.
Make sure your phones are out of sight and reach. You’ll think and suggest your own ideas about things rather than looking for answers on Google. This will help you really listen to each other.
9. Be Flirty
Even without children, flirtation can quickly simmer down after the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It can take the form of commenting on how you like what they are wearing, sending a provocative photo of yourself or a flirty message.
Flirtation not only shows your interest but can make your partner feel good about themselves. Women have a lot of changes in their body from pregnancy and childbirth which can damage confidence, so flirtation helps to rebuild this. Men also suffer body image issues, many finding less time to look after themselves in ways that they used to, so it is equally important for all sexes.
10. Set Bedtimes that Work for Everyone
Parents can often feel the need to put their child’s needs so high up it significantly impacts on the relationship with their spouse. You may be put off by thinking your child is not ready at that time, but most children adapt well to a schedule and it will not have any negative impact on them if you shift bedtime slightly earlier.
Scheduled bedtimes should give parents some time to unwind together, even if that is as little as 20 minutes. Of course it won’t be possible to get this time every night, but neither should it be a rare occasion.
11. Don’t overstretch
When the children are very young, you may need to cut down on your social and wider family commitments. Get used to turning down offers that leave you with no time left for spending with your partner.
It may be that you used to call your own parent every night, or went out with a friends each week. Try doing ‘every other’ instead and spending time with your partner in between.
12. Have Child-Free Time Together
It is very normal for parents to feel uncomfortable about leaving a child in the care of another person.
Many parents think there are special reasons they can’t do this like a child’s medical requirements, behaviour or dependence on you. Many you feel you don’t want strangers in your home.
Be brave here and book a baby sitter. Whether you have the luxury of local family, a trusted friend or use a website to get a vetted and experienced baby sitter, it will be worth it!
For your first night off, don’t plan anything too much. It will feel weird and you will be worried. It’s ok to check in, let your sitter know it is the first time and you’d like to check in frequently. Do something local and short, maybe just go for a drink so you feel you can quickly leave if you need to.
Once you have done it once, immediately arrange to do it again. It is amazing how much easier it feels the next time. After a few times you will feel more comfortable and be able to really enjoy date nights together. Whatever you do, don’t put it off ‘till the baby is older’ or for any other reason. Start planning it now and make sure it remains a regular thing, maybe once every two weeks, or at least monthly.
Whether you have the luxury of local family, a trusted friend or use a website to get a vetted and experienced baby sitter, it will be worth it!
For your first night off, don’t plan anything too much. It will feel weird and you will be worried. It’s ok to check in, let your sitter know it is the first time and you’d like to check in frequently. Do something local and short, maybe just go for a drink so you feel you can quickly leave if you need to.
Once you have done it once, immediately arrange to do it again. It is amazing how much easier it feels the next time. After a few times you will feel more comfortable and be able to really enjoy date nights together. Whatever you do, don’t put it off ‘till the baby is older’ or for any other reason. Start planning it now and make sure it remains a regular thing, maybe once every two weeks, or at least monthly.
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13. Happy Thoughts
However frustrated you may get at times in your relationship with your spouse, thinking positively about them will show in the way you communicate with each other. If you dwell on the negativity, it will always push the conversation in that direction.
You may feel your partner is the only one you can vent to, and being able to do that is important. Just be mindful that once you have been able to move past that, you need to bring some positive conversation in to balance it. This avoids any resentment building up. Remember that positivity is infectious!
14. Honesty about your needs
Whether you want your partner to really listen and sympathise with how you feel or you want the connection of a hug, it is important to express your needs clearly.
Using phrases like ‘be there for me’ can be difficult for some people to interpret so provide examples of what you want them to do. Don’t use it negatively to point out they haven’t been doing this, but rather explain this is something you really need from them and ask for their help in supporting you that way. It will be received much more positively and is likely to have better outcomes.
15. Share the housework to give you both more time
Plenty of people are quick to tell you not to worry about the housework when you have babies and young children, but the reality is that an untidy house can be a stressful environment that doesn’t help your relationship.
There are of course many things you can let slide but for the essentials and those that stress you, work on them together, ideally at the same time, so that you also relax together. This leads to you having more free time and less exhaustion.
16. Share the childcare duties
Even if one parent is working and the other isn’t, when you are both at home you have equal responsibility for the care of the children. Make sure this burden is shared fairly to avoid one partner feeling so exhausted and even resentful. This can be tough in clingy phases of child development when they might show a strong preference towards one parent. In such cases, support that parent by looking at other responsibilities that can be swapped to ease the burden.
17. Get counselling
For those that have never tried it, it can seem extreme or uncomfortable. In reality it gives you a chance to talk about difficult issues with someone else present who can help you discuss difficult topics more effectively. It is normal for parents to disagree on parenting styles like discipline and attitudes. Discussing these topics with a counsellor can help you agree on an approach.
Counselling by video-call has become increasingly popular and is actually very effective. It can also cost a lot less than people realise. Do look for someone that has a formal qualification from a recognised educational body.
18. Don't wait for things to get easier
Lots of parents believe that they will be able to resume from where they left off once the children are older. It is possible but the longer you neglect your relationship with your spouse, the harder you will find it to reconnect.
Becoming parents can fundamentally change who you both are and you may find you are two different people. Start building new dreams together now and if you struggle to find where you connect, find new things you can try together.